I'm just going to start writing and see if anything comes out. No thinking, no thinking at all. Nothing ever good comes from thinking for me. This stupid site has been a plague to me. But it's not the site's fault. I'm wired in a way that makes it impossible to undertake something like this. There is no personal expression without "person". I don't feel like a person and it's just a gross and icky feeling. Don't ask me questions because I don't know. Don't ask me what I do in my free time because I don't know. Don't ask me my opinion on anything because I don't have one, it's all the same to me. This stupid site is like a plague to me. This is kind of pathetic but you probably don't agree. It's probably not. This isn't the first time something like this has happened to me. I used to have another site on here. Not a site you'd have seen, it lasted a day or two. Then, too, it ended shortly after I posted a wall of text talking about my lack of personhood or whatever my problem is. I don't think I'd be able to delete this account. I'm too sentimental and I really like you people. This other site was two years ago and I'm sitting here with the same issue. I think it's pathetic I tried again. You should know your limits and I know my limits and I know that being anywhere in any capacity is something I can't bear. I check my Neocities profile first thing in the morning because there's nothing else for me to check in the morning. I don't have friends but the thought of having friends makes me feel sick. I love cutting people off. I love not being anything to anybody. Take away my books and forbid me to read and I will not care. Take away my video games and my movies and my music and I won't care. I read because I want to be a person who reads because I want to be a person. I'm inspired because I want to be a person who's inspired. Nothing is ever for its own sake because I don't seem to want anything but to want itself. Freakish and stupid. Lame and even more stupid. Is this entertaining? I hope so. I'd be entertained. But I don't feel particularly entertained. I like minimalism because having nothing keeps me from realizing that I am nothing. Delete my accounts and I disappear and I lurk and I think to myself "I want to be this person and that person and..." YOU! Yes, you! Can I be you for a second or a minute? Can I be you real quick? Tell me, how do you feel? I feel the same way. What do you like? Your favourite favorite color colour? Oh! Mine too... beautiful! I would like to be all of you, one by one by one and then all of you at once. Wow! You are all so smart. I said I'd chill out and This is what that looks like. I want to fall in love with a fifty year old woman who hates me. Is that a weird thing to say? Do you read that and think, "Wow, this guy is so weird." Do you? Have I been playing my part well? I'm good at playing parts. This is another. Do you think I really think that I think any of these things? I prefaced this by saying "No thinking, no thinking at all" but do you really think this isn't a carefully written piece composed over the span of several days? Because it's not, obviously. Does this seem dramatic to you? This feels quite nice. As you're reading this, how does this make you feel? What are your exact thoughts? Can I read your mind, is that okay? Can I be you real quick? I thought this guy was normal, but he's not! This guy is not normal! Does it make you like me more or less? I fantasize about going up to people I know and asking them to describe me, maybe in, like, five words or so. One time on public transport this pretty older lady sat down next to me and I remember I had seen her before on this non descript piece of public transport. She sat down next to be and said Good Morning before doing so. I wasn't paying attention and realized too late and I didn't end up saying Good Morning back. She had peach fuzz-like facial hair on her face (where else?) which I could see in the light. From the corner of my eye it looked like she was looking at me, staring me down. I am going to be so embarassed when I wake up tomorrow morning. Will I be able to delete This page and go back to usual programming as usual like usual? No way! This is a suicide mission. A revelation. I am telling you now that everything up until now was bullshit. I was just trying on somebody else's skin. Is this repetitive? Oh my God, we get it. Like, we get it. We get it! So embarassing. I am gonna put on some music. Give me a moment, please. Say, what music do you like? One moment, please. Oh, I have never heard of them. No, I love them so much. Care for a survey? One sec. Now listening to Mezzanine by Massive Attack. Great album, don't you think? You don't? Hm. I'll have to delete it and never listen to it again. Thanks a lot. Thanks for making me have to delete this album. No, you don't get it, I have to. If I don't, well, that doesn't matter. I won't let it get to that. Youuuuuuu are my Angellllllll Come from way aboveeee Yeah this song is pretty good, no? What do you imagine my face looks like as I'm writing this. Like, my expression. :) or :( or :/ or :| you can pick one of those five. "There's only four" look in a mirror, that's the one that's my face right now. I can't wait to upload this to my Neocities website it's going to be so awesome dude. This is so great. We should do this more often. I still have half the page or so to fill. I have to fill it up because you will see it and be compelled to read it because what could I possibly be talking about. Is it about what you expected? Is this fun to read or is it so unbelievably lame that you just want to delete my site for me. Sorry if that's the case. Sorry if you're reading this and you're thinking Wow this is stupid. No quotation marks anymore because they're such a drag to type to be honest. Maybe I'll stop using periods and commas and capitalization later. What should my website name be? I don't know. Maybe based on a movie I want to like. Or a book I want to like. Or a song I want to like. The one true path, huh? Yes... like... the one true path to my one true self! Hey MORON! Self-discovery has no beginning or end! It's, Like a continuous process. Okay genius, whatever. I doesn't feel good so I don't like it. Okay? Forgive and forget, kay? Don't hold it against me. To be quite honest I'm quite honestly quite upset. Sorry if I'm bumming you out. I know you wanted this to work as much as I do. No, not you. YOU. Yes, YOU. I'm talking to YOU right now. What do YOU think about all of this? Am I repeating myself too much? Yeah, obviously; that's why I'm here. I don't want to express myself at all. It's so much easier to just not do anything. I am so upset man. So upset. Not really upset but upset nonetheless. This is so stupid and ridiculous and lame and I feel ashamed because this is so stupid and ridiculous and lame. Can you do something for me? And, like, really do it? Honestly? OK. Take a deep breath. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Did you do it? Wow. I really made you do that. From all the way over here to all the way over there I made you breathe in and out. Without me you never would have. Now touch your nose. Okay fine, pushing my luck here. Anyway, back to the hissyfit. Yes. Are you really reading this or just skimming? I don't mind if you are I won't be mad. You might recognize the following if you've been here awhile: " This is only half-serious, but, for a long time now, I've been in the habit of delegating certain decisions to (digital) coin flips. Doing so, I believe, has put me into a mild psychosis. I can't help but believe that something is communicating to me through these coins. Some of their decisions just make too much sense (it's called confirmation bias, by the way). If their verdicts ever go against my will, I cower and comply. It's a little worrying. Anyway, if I've ever interacted with you, there's a non-zero (one hundred percent) chance that a psychosis-inducing coin flip preceded it." This wasn't a joke at all and I was being fully serious. I don't do this anymore but it did happen and it was the only way I could allow myself to do anything. Heads is Yes and Tails is No. That was always the way it would be. I would try to argue but I was outwitted and outnumbered. Does this seem performative and stupid? I'll stop asking. I think this is a huge waste of my time. Lately I have been very afraid of dying in an accident or getting really hurt or losing my limbs or being paralyzed because those things really happen to people and if they happen to people they could happen to me. Boring and irrelevant whatever get on with it. What I'm really trying to say with all this is that I'm not so sure what to do with my site... I have so many ideas! I'll talk about my adventures and my friends and all these exciting things I'm doing like going places and meeting people. SHUT UP DUDE! Okay fine, man. But I said I'd fill the page and I haven't yet so give me a minute. What else, what else. I'm thirsty but I'm not going to get a drink because sometime things just are a way and you shouldn't do anything about it. Just let it be that way because you're gonna have to do something about it at some point but not now. I hate this website. I check it throughout my day and think wow whose fucking site is this? and sometimes I think Hm this is pretty great I like this. I forgot about the survey I asked whether you cared for it. Forgot to give it and also forgot what it was. What was it that I want to know from you? Man, I forgot. Really, I'm not feeling so bad right now. It's just this stupid fucking site, dude. So stupid. Actually I'm fine. If you're reading this and you think I'm unwell, I'm not. If you're reading this and you think I'm a pretentious moron, well. Yeah. Didn't know it was illegal. The One True Stupid Site. Would have been a better name. If I talk like you would you mind? I'm still thirsty. I stopped listening to that music ages ago by the way, it was on for like 10 minutes. I cut my nails too short and now my fingers hurt. If I delete this site and delete all my accounts and apps I would literally be fine. But I would miss you all... we have known each other for so long now, longer than I have known anybody else. I couldn't bear it not to check Neocities first thing in the morning and then for the rest of the day in 10 minute increments. Dude this is such a nothing burger. A burger with nothing on it. I see people on their phones in public and I wouldn't mind if they died. My thoughts are filled with hatred and my actions full of love. I thought about this today and thought about putting it on my little Neocities website with My little thingies the ummmm you know the ones. Notes. Hey check out my Notes page man. I am so dishonest it's scary. This is so cringe but I'm still gonna upload it because I should receive the consequences of my actions. I'm running out of things to say. I was repeating myself over and over anyway. This could have all been one sentence: I don't know who I am. Wow who does you IDIOT. So stupid. I have run out of steam and this is so embarassing. I have nothing to say and I can't listen either because it reminds me that I have nothing to say and that hurts too much. It bothers me a little bit actually. I'm still thirsty. Or maybe this is all really banal And it's like, wow, okay, I guess. Some things take time and practice but other things just aren't meant to be. Somethings just aren't worth trying let alone over and over and over and over again. Can't I take a hint? Is it admirable that I never give up on myself or is it foolish that I don't know when to give it a rest? I know it's stupid to even ask because that's not a question you should be asking. None of this matters but it has to matter to me because things have to be a certain way or I lose my mind. One after the other. Double check and make sure. I'm going to get some water. I got some water but I'm not drinking it yet. Let's do it together. Get some water. Okay, ready. Three, two, one, DRINK! Refreshing isn't it? This mega sucks. I am biting my shirt out of frustration. This is actually really depressing. I don't know what I want so I guess I want nothing. It's no good wanting anything. It's better to be content with nothing and just see what else is out there. Tell me about your day so That I know how mine was. Only on the computer, though. I exist away from it, a little bit, but not on it, and normally you should be upset about the reverse scenario but I'm not I am actually upset about the reverse reverse scenario which is why I'm here bitching and moaning and whining about something entirely inconsequential and stupid. Turn off my PC and none of this is real anymore. Still, I want you to read this. I want you to think and form and opinion about me. I can be like a tulpa. If you all think about me I can be real or something. No, that'll never work. Don't think about me. I'll think about you instead, because I already do. I used to study the way people moved and began moving the same way and sitting the same way. I began speaking the same way and I developed accents that weren't mine. I didn't really though I'm only lying to make a point. Or not. Maybe I am honest. Besides there is no point. This is just for attention or something. Or maybe it's fun. Are you having fun? I'm starting to get tired in the hands. But I have to fill the page because I said I would. I said I'd stop capitalizing and punctuating and stuff well i guess that time is now because it would make it a bit easier for me but harder for you but then again youre not reading this so it doesnt matter but if you are then im sorry but since youve read this far its kind of on you for continuing to read is this entertaining or relatable or interesting or are you pity reading or hate reading i dont really want to know because thats scary and this kind of feels like an intervention like many things do if you really think about it this shit is so cringe and stupid and lame And a bunch of other words also i didnt capitalize and on purpose that just happened without my control but anyway this shit sucks and i hope one person reads it or two because it would give me enough incentive to delete my account in embarassment and move on or something like that. I just picked a booger out of my nose. I implore you to do the same. Anyway, I guess that's the end of that. TLDR: I am caving under the pressure of self discovery and self actualization and self expression and all the pressure is put on myself by myself for myself for no reason at all. Thank you! This was fun.